Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

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Immortal Cyan
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Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

Post by Immortal Cyan »

https://www.shattered-universe.com/doku ... ianese:rat

Rats! Made with some help from @CadetNewb.
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Re: Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

Post by CadetNewb »

I'd suggest changing the "strikingly wide" to "slightly wider" or some similar order of magnitude in regards to the hips, and justify it as pelvic reinforcement to help carry large loads. I'd also suggest refining the enhancements section of the article. Though I do feature bullet points for ease of summarizing points in my own Taianese Form articles, it's mostly just written, and without so many links. The focus is primarily on the differences from what we would consider a 'baseline' version of the Taianese. I'd also suggest increasing emphasis on their ability to survive disease, parasites and cancer. Most likely won't ever get to looking all mangy, diseased and so forth like a Skaven unless things really take a turn in the setting, but they're made to survive the apocalypse, so some more emphasis on that would be great.
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Re: Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

Post by Immortal Cyan »

Edits executed! @CadetNewb
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Re: Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

Post by CadetNewb »

It's looking good - the only complaint I'd have by now is the plethora of bullet-points in the lower section. I suggest keeping it simple and isolated to the key, most defining or unusual traits that deviate even from the rest of the Taianese. This means that you don't need to include stuff like their enhanced vision, network ability and such. You can take a look at how I did the Roosters for an example.
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Re: Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

Post by Immortal Cyan »

Done! @CadetNewb
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Re: Rat Form/Immortal Cyan/October 29, 1019

Post by CadetNewb »

Approved!
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